Well, our first movie is a well-known stinker already. It might be interesting.
A classic directive to any story teller is to get on with telling a story. With a little bit of introduction about beaming a very powerful message to a recently-discovered planet that may have life, with a clear side introduction to the cynical young scientist, we proceed to the rebel guy, who is introduced in an extremely long sequence about him trying to impress someone who turns out to be the admiral's daughter. If that was hard to read through, it was nearly as hard to slog through on the screen. All this to set up the older, more responsible brother talking the rebel guy into joining the Navy.
Anyway, that seems to have set the tone for the movie, because, after the giant block letter header informing us we are, indeed, watching a movie entitled 'BATTLESHIP', we are now watching, wait for it, SOCCER! The soccer is accompanied with overdone sound. Tension sort of slides sideways as someone (heck, they all look alike except for the admiral's daughter) gets a concussion and insists on kicking a penalty kick, which he kicks over the net, somehow losing the game. Japan wins. Japan? Oh, well. Oh, yeah, he threatened to kill a young sailor if that sailor tried to kick the penalty kick.
Ok, somehow one of the guys (after you shave off all the hair, you can't tell rebel from older brother) ends up on a beach with admiral's daughter. She may have a name and they may have dropped it, but I don't remember it.
More stupid dialog, as the guy with the admiral's daughter shows up, forgets his 'cover' (yay, Navy jargon) and says, "Keeping on your toes" to the AD (admiral's daughter). I think this guy may be the older brother. The admiral, apparently, is Qui-Gon Jinn, erm, Liam Neeson. We are subjected to an embarrassing display of lack of military discipline as what has to be older brother shows up way too late and tries to comically sneak into formation behind the admiral.
Golly, this movie is hard to follow. Some soldiers on deck of the battleship (they may be sailors but are wearing camo) are talking about hitting someone and being chicken.
You know, it appears that young rebel has joined the Navy and ended up a lieutenant somehow. I tried to join the Navy once, and it took at least a month to get the paperwork done. It takes over a year, normally, to actually get a real commission. Oh, well. It also takes a college degree and young rebel has shown no inclination to ambition.
So, he has a fight in a bathroom. Now he's getting dressed down by Qui-Gon Jinn. The Navy actually has a selection process designed to specifically weed out these sorts of people, as they tend to give their officers real, live weapons.
Now we are subjected to stock video of Naval exercises. Yes, destroyers (some six of them) around a single carrier. New best quote: 'As a weapons officer, let me remind you this is a combat vessel'. Really, the whole speech is quite a gem.
I guess the US Navy actually does wear camo. Who knew. New best quote: 'Who do I call to teach you humility?' as older brother tells rebel he's out of the Navy. I can tell them apart because one is shorter and spends time with the AD, who is now walking through what appears to be a VA hospital specializing in rehabilitation.
Ok, she's a physical therapist, who can sense anger. Golly, one thing you can count on from a bad movie is stupid dialog. Stupid dialog and lots of significant looks. Also, lots of reminding people of stuff because the audience doesn't know yet, although the character obviously does. Example: 'you realize you are the same man who won the golden gloves'. Anyway, 'physical therapist' AD is now playing counselor.
So, after a cell-phone call from a ship at sea (who was the Naval adviser on this turd again?) we find out the stupidity of having sent out a 'we're here' signal in a possibly hostile galaxy...
Now, for all you junior space rangers out there, burning your thrusters at max while entering a gravity well is a bad idea because it will make you actually either hit your target very, very hard, or blow by at a startling rate. The correct response is, of course, to reverse direction and burn thrusters in a carefully calculated rate and angle to slow your approach.
So. Interstellar craft impacts satellite, becomes heavily damaged and crashes into Hong Kong. Hmm. Bad radar? Bad shields? The things crash into the ocean at full speed, without apparent damage, but a satellite they can't handle.
Say, folks, the periodic table is pretty constant. If the 'alien ship' is made of something that isn't in the periodic table, it is probably made of a very, very unstable element. Oh, well, you pretty much can't expect science out of a movie with the premise this one has.
Lots and lots of NCOs acting cheeky and officers acting threateny. Once again, who was the Naval adviser on this thing?
Now, as the movie muddles through the 'going to find the thing in the water' montage, let's take a minute to talk about pacing. A good movie goes from point to point, making its story in a way that never lets you think 'I wonder what's on TV?' A bad movie, such as this one, has ten minutes or so of Naval jargon (most quite unauthentic) which causes nearly terminal boredom. Then there's some 'action', but it has to not be predictable and make some sort of sense. Oh, and the situation has to be dynamic, not static, meaning new things happen.
So the LT touches the door and the thing responds by making a force field. Somehow, that killed the battery on the Zodiac.
Now come the evil ships, whatever they are, which come out of the water one at a time and form a neat line. Then they make a loud noise. Seriously, watch the movie. 'I didn't sign up for this bullshit!' 'No shit!' More great dialog. Navy personnel, you did, indeed, sign up for this bullshit...
Ok, it appears the interstellar vessels jump out of the water using an arm. After having fired a round or two at the 'enemy', the 'enemy' fires back and the R2 unit gets all but one incoming. Now, quite rationally, the Zodiac opens up with its minigun, which, if luck holds, might scratch the thing. Oh, and, as per requirement, radar cannot lock on this thing. Heh.
As you would expect from military ordnance (not), the rounds hit a ship, take a second, then detonate, causing expansion, followed by contraction, followed by expansion again. Also, as per movie warfare, the 'enemy' doesn't simply destroy everything and move on, it takes its time, destroying a bit at a time, finally working its way up to a whole ship.
Oh, goody, rebel is now captain. Aw, that was totally unexpected, right? More significant looks. Now they are 'going in' 'full attack', which, given the destroyers, what, 2500 mile range, means they have to close the thousand yards or so to make the attack. Nothing on that ship has a lower range than 25 miles or so, iirc. Rebel prepares to ram the thing.
Weirdly, an enlisted man convinces the rebel to get sailors out of the water before attacking. This is kinda exactly the opposite of how you do it. You neutralize the threat, then rescue the sailors. Oh, well.
It appears the naval battle is done for now. Flying things have left the big landing thingy and are inexplicably destroying helicopters. I say inexplicably because they haven't dealt with the ships just outside the force field but fly all the way to Hawaii to destroy helicopters. Oh, well, no accounting for alien tactics.
After weirdly ignoring a kid in a baseball game, it takes out a bridge. These flyers turn into rollers, kind of large buzz saws. Of course, it is easier to fly a buzz saw than to roll one with no wheels to force it forward, but there you have it.
Ok, back to the rebel, who the president has been told is the only one 'in there'. Yes, the flying/rolling buzz saws have been attacking military and strategic targets and letting the destroyer in the force field with them live.
Ah, yes, an alien soldier. They have traced the signal to the mountainside where it has been projected. There is, of course, a shack there with a scared scientist type.
The AD is, of course, on the mountain with her charge, big guy with no legs, who 'ain't never seen an alien' so ignores the command to leave the mountain and keeps climbing up it. Flying thingies attack the jeeps sent to warn them for no good reason.
After a non-com tells him 'if you can't, who can?' the rebel resumes command. I never saw him leave command; maybe that was on the cutting floor? Ok, this may be older brother. They have an alien soldier. Or pilot. Or something. Without preamble, rebel/older brother takes off the thing's mask, causing a noise that scares everyone. I'm thinking this is rebel because is on the boat. Creepy speech by non-com. Seriously. Oh, wait, folks, you didn't expect this, did you? It wasn't dead...
Anyway, I got to get back to work. That's part one.
A classic directive to any story teller is to get on with telling a story. With a little bit of introduction about beaming a very powerful message to a recently-discovered planet that may have life, with a clear side introduction to the cynical young scientist, we proceed to the rebel guy, who is introduced in an extremely long sequence about him trying to impress someone who turns out to be the admiral's daughter. If that was hard to read through, it was nearly as hard to slog through on the screen. All this to set up the older, more responsible brother talking the rebel guy into joining the Navy.
Anyway, that seems to have set the tone for the movie, because, after the giant block letter header informing us we are, indeed, watching a movie entitled 'BATTLESHIP', we are now watching, wait for it, SOCCER! The soccer is accompanied with overdone sound. Tension sort of slides sideways as someone (heck, they all look alike except for the admiral's daughter) gets a concussion and insists on kicking a penalty kick, which he kicks over the net, somehow losing the game. Japan wins. Japan? Oh, well. Oh, yeah, he threatened to kill a young sailor if that sailor tried to kick the penalty kick.
Ok, somehow one of the guys (after you shave off all the hair, you can't tell rebel from older brother) ends up on a beach with admiral's daughter. She may have a name and they may have dropped it, but I don't remember it.
More stupid dialog, as the guy with the admiral's daughter shows up, forgets his 'cover' (yay, Navy jargon) and says, "Keeping on your toes" to the AD (admiral's daughter). I think this guy may be the older brother. The admiral, apparently, is Qui-Gon Jinn, erm, Liam Neeson. We are subjected to an embarrassing display of lack of military discipline as what has to be older brother shows up way too late and tries to comically sneak into formation behind the admiral.
Golly, this movie is hard to follow. Some soldiers on deck of the battleship (they may be sailors but are wearing camo) are talking about hitting someone and being chicken.
You know, it appears that young rebel has joined the Navy and ended up a lieutenant somehow. I tried to join the Navy once, and it took at least a month to get the paperwork done. It takes over a year, normally, to actually get a real commission. Oh, well. It also takes a college degree and young rebel has shown no inclination to ambition.
So, he has a fight in a bathroom. Now he's getting dressed down by Qui-Gon Jinn. The Navy actually has a selection process designed to specifically weed out these sorts of people, as they tend to give their officers real, live weapons.
Now we are subjected to stock video of Naval exercises. Yes, destroyers (some six of them) around a single carrier. New best quote: 'As a weapons officer, let me remind you this is a combat vessel'. Really, the whole speech is quite a gem.
I guess the US Navy actually does wear camo. Who knew. New best quote: 'Who do I call to teach you humility?' as older brother tells rebel he's out of the Navy. I can tell them apart because one is shorter and spends time with the AD, who is now walking through what appears to be a VA hospital specializing in rehabilitation.
Ok, she's a physical therapist, who can sense anger. Golly, one thing you can count on from a bad movie is stupid dialog. Stupid dialog and lots of significant looks. Also, lots of reminding people of stuff because the audience doesn't know yet, although the character obviously does. Example: 'you realize you are the same man who won the golden gloves'. Anyway, 'physical therapist' AD is now playing counselor.
So, after a cell-phone call from a ship at sea (who was the Naval adviser on this turd again?) we find out the stupidity of having sent out a 'we're here' signal in a possibly hostile galaxy...
Now, for all you junior space rangers out there, burning your thrusters at max while entering a gravity well is a bad idea because it will make you actually either hit your target very, very hard, or blow by at a startling rate. The correct response is, of course, to reverse direction and burn thrusters in a carefully calculated rate and angle to slow your approach.
So. Interstellar craft impacts satellite, becomes heavily damaged and crashes into Hong Kong. Hmm. Bad radar? Bad shields? The things crash into the ocean at full speed, without apparent damage, but a satellite they can't handle.
Say, folks, the periodic table is pretty constant. If the 'alien ship' is made of something that isn't in the periodic table, it is probably made of a very, very unstable element. Oh, well, you pretty much can't expect science out of a movie with the premise this one has.
Lots and lots of NCOs acting cheeky and officers acting threateny. Once again, who was the Naval adviser on this thing?
Now, as the movie muddles through the 'going to find the thing in the water' montage, let's take a minute to talk about pacing. A good movie goes from point to point, making its story in a way that never lets you think 'I wonder what's on TV?' A bad movie, such as this one, has ten minutes or so of Naval jargon (most quite unauthentic) which causes nearly terminal boredom. Then there's some 'action', but it has to not be predictable and make some sort of sense. Oh, and the situation has to be dynamic, not static, meaning new things happen.
So the LT touches the door and the thing responds by making a force field. Somehow, that killed the battery on the Zodiac.
Now come the evil ships, whatever they are, which come out of the water one at a time and form a neat line. Then they make a loud noise. Seriously, watch the movie. 'I didn't sign up for this bullshit!' 'No shit!' More great dialog. Navy personnel, you did, indeed, sign up for this bullshit...
Ok, it appears the interstellar vessels jump out of the water using an arm. After having fired a round or two at the 'enemy', the 'enemy' fires back and the R2 unit gets all but one incoming. Now, quite rationally, the Zodiac opens up with its minigun, which, if luck holds, might scratch the thing. Oh, and, as per requirement, radar cannot lock on this thing. Heh.
As you would expect from military ordnance (not), the rounds hit a ship, take a second, then detonate, causing expansion, followed by contraction, followed by expansion again. Also, as per movie warfare, the 'enemy' doesn't simply destroy everything and move on, it takes its time, destroying a bit at a time, finally working its way up to a whole ship.
Oh, goody, rebel is now captain. Aw, that was totally unexpected, right? More significant looks. Now they are 'going in' 'full attack', which, given the destroyers, what, 2500 mile range, means they have to close the thousand yards or so to make the attack. Nothing on that ship has a lower range than 25 miles or so, iirc. Rebel prepares to ram the thing.
Weirdly, an enlisted man convinces the rebel to get sailors out of the water before attacking. This is kinda exactly the opposite of how you do it. You neutralize the threat, then rescue the sailors. Oh, well.
It appears the naval battle is done for now. Flying things have left the big landing thingy and are inexplicably destroying helicopters. I say inexplicably because they haven't dealt with the ships just outside the force field but fly all the way to Hawaii to destroy helicopters. Oh, well, no accounting for alien tactics.
After weirdly ignoring a kid in a baseball game, it takes out a bridge. These flyers turn into rollers, kind of large buzz saws. Of course, it is easier to fly a buzz saw than to roll one with no wheels to force it forward, but there you have it.
Ok, back to the rebel, who the president has been told is the only one 'in there'. Yes, the flying/rolling buzz saws have been attacking military and strategic targets and letting the destroyer in the force field with them live.
Ah, yes, an alien soldier. They have traced the signal to the mountainside where it has been projected. There is, of course, a shack there with a scared scientist type.
The AD is, of course, on the mountain with her charge, big guy with no legs, who 'ain't never seen an alien' so ignores the command to leave the mountain and keeps climbing up it. Flying thingies attack the jeeps sent to warn them for no good reason.
After a non-com tells him 'if you can't, who can?' the rebel resumes command. I never saw him leave command; maybe that was on the cutting floor? Ok, this may be older brother. They have an alien soldier. Or pilot. Or something. Without preamble, rebel/older brother takes off the thing's mask, causing a noise that scares everyone. I'm thinking this is rebel because is on the boat. Creepy speech by non-com. Seriously. Oh, wait, folks, you didn't expect this, did you? It wasn't dead...
Anyway, I got to get back to work. That's part one.
